A Time To Remember

October 30, 2009

I Can Only Imagine (Mercy Me)

To our everdearest Maia,

Kumusta ka na anak?

I would have wanted to talk to you in simple, even baby language until I realized that you are now an angel in Heaven. This simply means that for the past year, you have been growing in great wisdom and knowledge more than I can ever gain in my entire lifetime so I might as well converse to you as an adult. Having said that, I hope you understand me, on the contrary, if ever I sounded shallow and incoherent in our letter for you.

Time does fly or does it?

Well, I guess it all depends on which side I am speaking of. Because from where we are now, it has only been a year.

But from where you are looking down, time is unheard of since eternity need not be measured.

An hour there could be a hypothetical million years here on earth.

Speaking of “time”, did you know already that when I was in high-school we were assigned to research and report about one particular Old Testament book and our priest-instructor assigned to me – Qoheleth or Ecclesiastes as we commonly know. And from reading and reporting that book, one paragraph that really stayed, henceforward, in my mind was that of Chapter 3 verses 1 to 8.

It read,

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.

A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

For the past year, these verses were closely true in our hearts.

For there was a time when time itself was on our side.

Our family was complete.

Your mommy, Kuya Zek, you and I.

We were so happy then that time seemed to have stood still and that we could run out of hard disk and DVD-Rs to record our memorable moments. Each step of the way, you and kuya Zek find something interesting to muse and wonder abou which your mommy and I are simply more than willing to explain. Everyday is discovery day for all of us.

But time can only withhold for long the unseen and abrupt change that was ordained to our family. And with it came the most intense heartbreak your mother and I could ever feel. We prayed, pleaded and wailed for time to slow down so we can bring you to the hospital yet every second was like an hour and those few minutes that passed were like forever to reach. As I sat inside the taxi, embracing you tightly as I cried, I was hoping against all hope that our expected miracle was going to happen, that against all odds, you will come out just fine from that critical situation.

In the end, we still lost you and we were ushered into a new time – to mourn and grieve.

Yes, it has been a year and I just wanted to let you know once again that we, your mom, kuya Zek and I, miss you so much.  That goes to say not just today but every single day. Your kuya Zek, out of the blue and thinking that Heaven is just a car-drive away, always pops up his idea of visiting you. He misses playing, sleeping, eating, running, watching TV and praying with you. Oh, do you remember the times when he annoys you? I bet you understand now that most of those time, he just wanted to swing back your attention to him whenever you started to play on your own. You were always his best buddy.

Reasonably so, your mommy hurts more deeply and more often among us. Eight months inside her and close to two years of enjoying your presence is really a short time for someone who loves you unconditionally. She sometimes still feel that she could have done more to avert what happened so I have to remind her often as well that, in life and death, only the Lord’s will matters. We can only seek the meaning and purpose of it. We can only trust Him despite the absence of full understanding. Please keep on praying for her in this regard.

As for me, you will always be my little, smart, cute, gifted, talented, sweet and lovable girl. I am pretty sure that you now know the times I stared at your sleep while daydreaming of how you will grow up to be a very beautiful and pious woman. I used to think about my future plans how to handle your growing years, your schooling days, your adolescence and pimple-boy-crushes teenage years, your university days, your dating years, and up to your wedding ceremony (Yup, I made this personal deadline of direct guidance on you because I also believe that after marriage, you have to be on your own in all your decision making. Well unless, of course, you or your future husband would come to me for advice which is technically not under the “paternal intrusion” category of your married life). Now, the sad reality is, I need to put them all into a secluded and dusty corner of my heart called “cherished dreams that can’t happen anymore” in order for me to keep my focus in loving your mother and kuya Zek while getting inspiration from the other corner where “the ways the Lord has always wanted our family to go forth” is located. Our Maia Outreach Programs is one of those fruits that we promise to take care of. Please always pray for us also in this regard.

As it is now, time beckons us to keep moving on with occasional sadness yet full of hope and loving graces. Your mommy, kuya Zek and I are all looking forward to meeting and being with you one day in Heaven. That final reunion is the one thing that time can never ever take away from us.

We love you.

Hugs and kisses,

Daddy, Mommy and Kuya Zek

PS. By the way, do you angels really play skips and hops on the clouds during your playtime? I asked because during our last plane trips I often wonder, while looking out the window, if there is any chance I can catch a glimpse of you with all the other angels. How happy would I be at that sight (See, I told you even grown-ups can still make silly and amusing questions. Love you.).

ditto